Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Finally
Well this ttc journey is a hard one. Is it any harder than the weightloss journey...not really..but it is more emotional. I am on my 3rd cycle after my 5 month bcp break and this is historically the cycle that is longer and is where my cycles began to get all wacky again. Well this 3rd cycle is no different than anyother 3rd cycle that I have had. The 1st 2 cycles I O'd around cd20 well this cycle O is somewhere between cd29 and 31, so substantially later. Now I have had a couple coincendental things happen this cycle so it makes me wonder. First, I tried to take soy in hopes that it would up my O date but instead it was alot later. Now was this the fault of the soy or is this the curse of the 3rd month. haha. Also, since I hadn't O'd by cd28 I had given up on this cycle and started prometrium to try to bring on AF so I could move onto a new cycle. Well I then got a +OPK on cd29....again is this a coincedience or did taking the prometrium help bring on that elusive O??? I will never know. So here I am now CD32 and have O'd sometime between cd29 to 31 and am officially in the 2ww. I am praying that with all the weirdness of this cycle that this will be my cycle and I will finally after more than 2 years get that elusive bfp. So here's to the 2ww and what it may bring.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Why me??
This is a question that I have asked so many times and I know many others have asked this question as well. But in truth --- Why should it not be me?? Why am I so much better than anybody else who is effected by infertility or anything of a serious nature. I think that many people think that things like infertility, serious illnesses, accidents, ect don't really happen to them or to people close to them, but in reality it can happen to anybody. I am an average American girl, who desires a family, who wants a good job, good friends, and surrounded by love. We all have our own struggles, but it is how we handle them that set us apart. I sit here this week feeling sorry for myself about not having a permanant job, about not being able to get pregnant so easily, about struggling with my weight and wonder when or IF things will get better. ( NO I don't suffer from depression but I think we all go through our moments of feeling down)
As I have been sitting here feeling sorry for myself I was flipping through the channels of late night television and stopped on Joel Osteen. He is talking about speaking faith into your life and using your words to uplift you. He is talking about how when you speak words of defeat you are going to live a life of defeat. Now this message isn't too much different than his other messages and I am big fan of Joel and listen to him quite frequently but for some reason that evening his words were ringing loud and clear in my ears.
Now I haven't talked about faith before but truth be known my faith is GREAT. I am a fairly new believer as I was baptized about 3.5years ago and have been building a relationship with GOD since then. Now I have always been a believer but I never knew the Lord or had a relationship with him nor did I know what that meant. Where my faith is Great my Obidence hasn't always been as strong as it should be. I have found myself in the last week reading more of my Bible and finding scripture to help me through these difficult times. I know that God will bring me through this time just as he has brought me through so many other very difficult times. My husband has constantly told me to be patient that things will happen in GOD's time and not mine. This is hard for me to wrap my mind around......as a person we want to control things and it is hard to hand over the reigns to someone including GOD but as a child of God that is what I must do, hand GOD the reigns and believe that he will fulfill the desires of my heart and lead me in his direction.
Now Joel was talking about things that are close to my heart such as weightloss and infertility and was giving examples of people who turned their attitude around and put their faith in GOD and started speaking faith into their lives and positive affirmations about themselves. I decided right then that I am no longer going to speak negitivly about myself as I have so often done in the past. This is a hard habit to break but I am determined to do it. I also remember and give thanks everyday for the many wonderful blessings that I do have in my life. I have a wonderful husband who loves ME so much and would do just about anything for me. I have a beautiful daughter that loves ME so much. I love where we live and the live that we have together. I think that part of my feeling sorry for myself is that I do not love myself the way that I should. When I look in the mirror I don't see the wonderful things that my husband and daughter see......I see this fat person who can't find a job or have a baby looking back at me. This woman who is sad because she is not happy with the way she looks or the fact that she is struggling to conceive and struggling to find a job. I think his is why Joel's message hit me so hard. He reminded me that I was made in the image of the Lord and the Lord loves me just as I am as he is the one who created me.
One of the things that I have started to do is to read scripture to remind me of the Lord's love for me and to remind myself that I should be happy with who I am. One of the passages that I found was: "You are fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139:14
I know that this is a much deeper subject than my other posts but it is something that I needed to put out there in the open if only for myself. I think that when it is out there like this than it is harder to continue to lie to yourself. I am usually a positive person but it has just seemed that so many things go wrong at one time and it is hard to stay positive. But I believe that you must go through hard times to enjoy the good times and to be able to apprieciate GOD for the wonder that he is and for the blessings he gives you.
My once again new outlook is to give it over to GOD and trust that he knows what he is doing.... :)
"Give your worries to the Lord, and he will take care of you." Psalm 55:22
As I have been sitting here feeling sorry for myself I was flipping through the channels of late night television and stopped on Joel Osteen. He is talking about speaking faith into your life and using your words to uplift you. He is talking about how when you speak words of defeat you are going to live a life of defeat. Now this message isn't too much different than his other messages and I am big fan of Joel and listen to him quite frequently but for some reason that evening his words were ringing loud and clear in my ears.
Now I haven't talked about faith before but truth be known my faith is GREAT. I am a fairly new believer as I was baptized about 3.5years ago and have been building a relationship with GOD since then. Now I have always been a believer but I never knew the Lord or had a relationship with him nor did I know what that meant. Where my faith is Great my Obidence hasn't always been as strong as it should be. I have found myself in the last week reading more of my Bible and finding scripture to help me through these difficult times. I know that God will bring me through this time just as he has brought me through so many other very difficult times. My husband has constantly told me to be patient that things will happen in GOD's time and not mine. This is hard for me to wrap my mind around......as a person we want to control things and it is hard to hand over the reigns to someone including GOD but as a child of God that is what I must do, hand GOD the reigns and believe that he will fulfill the desires of my heart and lead me in his direction.
Now Joel was talking about things that are close to my heart such as weightloss and infertility and was giving examples of people who turned their attitude around and put their faith in GOD and started speaking faith into their lives and positive affirmations about themselves. I decided right then that I am no longer going to speak negitivly about myself as I have so often done in the past. This is a hard habit to break but I am determined to do it. I also remember and give thanks everyday for the many wonderful blessings that I do have in my life. I have a wonderful husband who loves ME so much and would do just about anything for me. I have a beautiful daughter that loves ME so much. I love where we live and the live that we have together. I think that part of my feeling sorry for myself is that I do not love myself the way that I should. When I look in the mirror I don't see the wonderful things that my husband and daughter see......I see this fat person who can't find a job or have a baby looking back at me. This woman who is sad because she is not happy with the way she looks or the fact that she is struggling to conceive and struggling to find a job. I think his is why Joel's message hit me so hard. He reminded me that I was made in the image of the Lord and the Lord loves me just as I am as he is the one who created me.
One of the things that I have started to do is to read scripture to remind me of the Lord's love for me and to remind myself that I should be happy with who I am. One of the passages that I found was: "You are fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139:14
I know that this is a much deeper subject than my other posts but it is something that I needed to put out there in the open if only for myself. I think that when it is out there like this than it is harder to continue to lie to yourself. I am usually a positive person but it has just seemed that so many things go wrong at one time and it is hard to stay positive. But I believe that you must go through hard times to enjoy the good times and to be able to apprieciate GOD for the wonder that he is and for the blessings he gives you.
My once again new outlook is to give it over to GOD and trust that he knows what he is doing.... :)
"Give your worries to the Lord, and he will take care of you." Psalm 55:22
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