79 days and counting!!!

I can't believe how far I have come and how close I am to meeting this little girl.   We are so excited about her arrival and I just can't wait.  I am 28wks this week and will be delivering by c-section no later than 39wks.  I am hoping at my next dr's visit next week that I can get a definate date set for my c-section.  I haven't had a shower yet but should be having on at work in the next month or two.   My sister gave me all the big things that we will need except the crib which I still have from Kaley and we bought a dresser and a rocking recliner.  I am a little sad that both my girls inherited things from both of my sisters BOYS .....so nothing that I was given is girly but it isn't costing me money so I really can't complain but I am a little sad about it.  My husband is like no big deal don't we have enough pink girly stuff in our house as it is.....haha MEN!!!  So I am counting down the days in short goals based on our school's breaks.....  SO I have only 4.5 wks till Thanksgiving break or 29 days.  Than there will only be 3wks till X-mas break or 19 days.   Than after that when we come back from X-mas break I will only have maybe 10days till delivery!!!!  When I look at it like that it will be here in no time at all.  I can't wait.

Time flies!!!

Well I can't believe that I haven't updated since the finding out about being pregnant!   There has been so much stuff going on around here.  1st I am still not in a teaching position and had to take an aide position just so that I would have a steady stable job and income.  I am not really happy with having to do this but hopefully it is only for this year and since we have a baby on the way it will just be ok I don't have to worry about going out on maternity leave and I will be enjoying every last second that I am out. 

I am now 21w 4d!!!!   I am more than half way there!!!  I will be having a repeat c-section so I will probably have baby around Jan 12th so that means that I only have about 17wks to go!!!!!!!   So far everything has been PERFECT!!!  I am still nauseaous from time to time but I expected that since I was throwing up my entire pregnancy with my Daughter.   My back and feet have started hurting but I suspect that has more to do with my job and being on my feet more than I am used.   My bloodpressure has been lower than what it was normally pre-pregnancy and my blood sugars seem to be doing good too but my doc is keeping a close eye on those and having me check them 4times daily with a glucose meter since I am IR with the pcos.  That part is not fun but she has agreed to allow me to stay on my MET throughout pregnancy by doing this AND I know that they are doing good which is always a relief. 

We also have found out that we are having a GIRL!!!!!  Yes another girl!!  We are excited especially Kaley!!  She wanted a girl more than any of us.  My poor poor husband is going to continue to be outnumbered in our house and only has the dog on his side....LOL!    Yes before you ask we have a name picked out already too.  In fact we have had names picked out for probably at least 4 to 5 years.  So her name is going to be Evangelene Rose!     It is a special name since it is my husband's grandma's first name and his mother's middle name and both of them are deceased but were both very special to him. 

We have a lot going on in the coming months before baby arrives.  My mom and aunt are coming to visit this weekend and are bringing some of the baby stuff that my sister is giving me.  Than my daughter's b-day is coming up and my mom is coming back down to visit with my sister and her kids.  I am also going to schedule a 3d u/s for that weekend, not only do I want to confirm that she is a girl but I have always wanted to have a 3d u/s and be able to see the baby that way.   In November my husband and I are going to go to San Antonio for a couple days over thanksgiving....My daughter will be with her dad so this will really be our last getaway that is just the 2 of us cuz after baby arrives it will no longer ever be the 2 of us anymore.  (Not that we won't be able to talk my mom into watching the baby for us if we wanted to go some where, but you know what I mean.....Right now with my DD she goes to her dad's once a month so we have always had built in time for just the 2 of us and after baby we will no longer have that)   Than I will have 2wks xmas break in decemember and than baby will be here.  SO plenty of things to keep me busy for the next several months!!!   I can't wait. 

Finally Happened!!!

I can't believe that after 2yrs and 9 months of trying we are finally PREGNANT!!!!!!   It's really hard to believe that it did finally happen and I have in fact peed on all of my 20 or so HPT's and all have come up +!!!  Now they come up + really fast and really dark.  I am no longer dreaming about + HPT's but instead dreaming about the baby that we will have in Jan '12.  I didn't believe that this month was going to work out either.  I surged before my mid cycle u/s and ended up canceling it instead of spending the money so I have no idea now how many follies I had or released.  DH and I only DTD 1 time the day before O.  I just knew our timing was bad and there was no way that this was going to be our month.  Last month I ended up stocking up on pads (cuz they were on sale) and OPK's cuz I figured that I would need them if we had t go through several more rounds with the RE.  So now I will pack up my pads and put them away for future use and I am planning on reselling my OPK's.  I am so excited!!! I can't even begin to explain how excited I am.  We have been trying for so long and now it's finally happening. I had my first beta on tuesday and it came back at 68 and my p4 was 28.6 (I think, I'm at least close).  I had my 2nd beta on thursday but since I choose to go to a lab close to home instead of driving all the way to houston I have to wait till monday for my results. 

So this is how it all went down.......  Friday night (8dpo) I just couldn't help myself or wait any longer to poas so I did.  I was truly expecting a BFN since it was just so early but I just couldn't help myself.  BUT there was a line.....it was super super faint, so faint I thought I was imanging things or that it was an evap line.  So I put it down and didn't think any more about it.  However, I did poas again Sat morning (9dpo).  There was another line....I was in disbelief...again it was faint but it was with FMU.  So a couple hours later with SecondMU I peed on 2 more sticks!!  and the lines were not quite as faint but still faint.  So I asked my DH to come into the bathroom.....my  mom was here visiting for the weekend and I didn't want to let everyone in the house know.......So I shut the door and asked DH if he saw the lines too.  He DID!!!  I told him I think that I am pregnant.  So I continued to poas throught the weekend with it getting a little more darker each day.  This all happened over mothers day weekend.  I wasn't ready to tell my mother yet though but I enjoyed my weekend knowing that I was pregnant.    I finally called the doc on Tuesday and they wanted me to drive to houston to get a beta done but I did not want to drive that far and was more than OK to wait for the results.  I am not worried about things and I feel really great.   I have had less symptoms this month than any other month.   So that's my story.

I can't wait to tell Kaley she is going to be so excited.  However, I am also trying to get a premanent teaching job for next school year so I don't want to tell anyone cuz I don't want them to not consider me cuz of being pregnant plus I am only 4wks along....well my long point is that Kaley is a blabber mouth and has no ability to keep a secret.  So I plan on telling her the weekend after school is out. 

Keeping the hope alive!!!

Well my first femara cycle didn't work and I felt like it was a failed cycle.  I went in on cd12 for an u/s and had a 17mm follie and since I usually get a +opk on my own and seem to O on my own they decided that I wouldn't trigger and just wait to see if I would O by the following wednesday (this was friday).  Well I didn't get a +opk until the next wed which was cd17 and O'ing maybe cd18.  I didn't think that it would take this long to O. Oh and even though we were able to dtd the day before O we really didn't get in a good BD session the day of and day after O so I am pretty sure that might have something to do with us still not being preg.  ANd of course AF showed.  So I had my follow up appt with my RE on 14dpo which ended up being the day AF showed up.  Which worked out great cuz then I didn't have to make a second trip to the RE's office since it's about 45mins from home.  They didn't do a baseline u/s and I didn't have to have more bloodwork done except I still have to have my thyroid checked since that was left off of my last lab slip by accident.  I guess that's ok but I am not sure how normal that is but I am ONLY taking femara.  

BY the WAY, I LOVE MY RE!!!  

I think that she is wonderful.  I went into the appt feeling defeated and like this was a failed cycle.  BUT my RE was really positive and really turned my attitude around.  I sometimes have a hard time keeping the hope alive since it's been so long since we have started trying.  But she renewed my sense of hope.   She really felt that this was a good cycle.  I responded really well to the femara even if the O was a little late.  My lining was really good and I did surge on my own.  I asked about the trigger and she said that they use it for different reasons such as no surge or just better timing but she felt that there was something good about letting the body decide when the egg was really ready and O'ing on it's own.  She also felt that it wouldn't up my chances for pregnancy.  I still feel like Iwould like to give it a try.  She also said that my hormone levels were pretty normal overall.   Except my good cholesterol was a little on the low side but my bad cholesterol and my trigylcerids (sp?) were both good and she said that this ratio was typical of pcos and just to keep working on losing weight.    She also said that my FSH was really good for my age....UGH cuz I am almost 35 and this number apparently starts to rise with age.  My AMH was also a really good number which is really good since this is my egg reserve.  My DH's S/A was also good.  He does have slightly low morph 3% and they want it 4% or higher but she said that their lab is really really strict, more strict than most so she felt that this was really no big deal and since his overall count and motility was good she feels that there is no reason we can't get preg with TI.  THis is a good thing since our insurance doesn't cover anything related to an IUI cycle so that would have had to be out of pocket.  What a relief!!    SO I feel so hopeful now!!!  SHe feels like it just a matter of time now.  It's nice to feel hopeful and excited about trying again.  It's great to feel like I have someone on my side in my corner who is fighting for me and letting me make the decisions about my journey.    

So here we are again, another month, another chance.  I am again taking 5mgs femara cd3-7 with an u/s scheduled cd14 this time.  I think that I will ask about the trigger again this cycle. 

By the way I can't believe Easter is this weekend and MAY is already almost here!!!!   WOW!!!  Where is the time going?? 

Time flies when......

Time flies when your having fun is the typical response but I have to say that I have just been busy!!   Well there was some fun in there.   We have had 3 family fun days.  Family fun day for us is when we go out and do something super fun and don't worry about chores, what we eat, or just the basic rules of everyday life.  This has come to life for us cuz my wonderful little girl goes to her dad's house once a month and since he doesn't see her very much they try to pack in as much fun filled, junk food eating, no cleaning room time as possible and my DD told me one time when she came home that her step mom is the "fun" parent cuz she never yells at her.  I try not to take it personal but DAMN that one kind of stung......but you know they don't have to deal with a 7year old every day who doesn't like to clean her room and tries her hardest to get out of homework.  So my mom suggested that we implant at least one day a month to dedicate to having fun and throwing the rules out the door.  It's been a really good decision and I feel that it is actually more special for her cuz it's a treat instead of what is expected.  So any ways my point was that we have had some fun this last month.      Other than that I have started a long term sub position working in the special ed department of my DD school. As you may or may not know I am a teacher who is out of work and have been looking for the last 2yrs ......so this is a huge break through for me.  Not only that I actually have work every day and don't have to wonder if I need to get up and actually have a job.  This position is going to last until the end of the school year....YAY!!!

So another thing is that I had an appt with my RE and have started treatment.  I did 5mgs femara cd3-7 and had my u/s cd12 and had two follies one that was 17.5mm and another that was 14.5mm.  She thought that I would O over the weekend but it actually took almost a week to O!!  I didn't end up doing the trigger shot that my RE rx'd since I normally O on my own and I am very disappointed about that.  I also think that I should have gone ahead with the trigger since it took so much longer to O than expected.  So if I get a bfn this cycle I am going to be talking to my RE about upping my femara to 7.5mgs and adding the trigger regardless of the fact that I seem to O on my own.  I really really really really really want this cycle to work but as usual I just don't know if it will.....I think that over 2.5yrs of bfns has ruined me for that optimism that I once felt.  I am 5dpo and will probably start testing around 9dpo cuz I desperately want to be one of those women who get an early bfp!!  haha....unlikely I know but I like to torture myself.    So that is my update for know.  Will try not to wait so long to update and hopefully next time I will have some exciting news.

Just to Add to my I hate February Post.....

Well to end the month I still have not O'd and my blog is all messed up.  The wonderful background that I have enjoyed is no longer displaying and I can't seem to find one I like right now.  So right now I have it set on one of the default ones just until I find another one that I like.  UGH.  I am so glad that tomorrow is March.  I pray that it is a better month.......NO I am going to just say it .......MARCH IS GOING TO BE A BETTER MONTH!!!!!

OMG......I hate February!!!!!

This month has just totally sucked!!!  AND I am ready for it to be over!   My cycle has been crazy....tried to make me think that I ovulated on cd 10.....yeah right like I would ever O that early.  IF I did it would have totally messed up my next cycle which is going to be a medicated cycle with my new RE and I am excited about that.  My DH was supposed to have a s/a done and since we live kind of far from the clinic he was supposed to do it in the office but he couldn't.  He tried but it just didn't happen.  I felt bad for him and he felt really bad but it really sucked that we wasted the time and nothing......It also sucked that I thought that we were going to get that part over with and again nothing.  Had to reschedule for friday and he is going to TRY to do it at home and TRY and make it to the clinic within the 45 min timelimit....OMG!!!   AAAHHH!!!  I just want to get through this month and get the s/a done....hopefully get good results and just be able to move onto the next cycle.   OH and on top of everything else....my Damn dog ate my bbt thermometer today....OMG I just wanted to scream....oh yeah I think that I did.  Why would he go after my bbt he has never bothered it before and it has been in the same place the whole time....UGH dumb dog!!  LOL.    I just want to be through all this and be moving on....I feel like I am stuck in the holding pattern waiting to land and I  am starting to feel claustrophobic.    It seems like I am always waiting on something.....waiting for my life to begin.....well I am going to be 35 this year....times up ....I am tired of waiting.....It's got to be my turn now!!!   COME ON MARCH!!!  I just know your going to be better. 

Where has the time gone??

Well....I am not even sure where to start.   First of all I can't believe that it is Feb 8th and I haven't posted since the beginning of the year.......oopps!!!

Well I am still not preg so resolution #1 still not completed but I do have an appointment to see the RE next week on the 16th.  I am very excited to get back on medicated cycles and to finally get preg....I just have to keep the faith that this is going to happen soon.  Not only that I went over to my preg friends house for the superbowl and found out that another friend is preg also.  WOW!!   She has 3 kids and wasn't even trying and she informed us all that she is actually about 12weeks preg and due 1 month after my other friend......thanks thanks I love feeling like I am being left behind.  How fun for you 2 to be preg together and then have babies together while I wait on the sidelines .....oh and neither of you were trying or expecting this to happen but my DH and I have been trying for 2 and a half F'ING years!!!!!    OK sorry end rant!!!

Well resolution #2 has actually been going good.  Tomorrow will be 30days since I officially started eating healthier and exercising and I have lost 10lbs.  I have been doing the south beach diet and it has been going good.  I also started the 30day shred and that has been kicking my ass.  However, this last week we have been eating out and then superbowl and now AF has showed up so I haven't been doing as good.  I have still been trying to stick to my plan but exercising has gone by the way side.  And of course since AF is here I am feeling like total crap so I am definately not exercising but as soon as AF is gone I am back at the exercise but I have been eating good. 

I also had a 31day cycle and O'd on my own last month and I really think that had to do with the diet and exercise....So I definately want to keep that up.  At this point I have O'd 6 months in a row and still no bfp.  I know that the RE will want to have my DH get a S/A and he knows that is coming.  Honestly I am a little worried about it......I really pray that there is nothing wrong there but I am scared but it is something that we just need to know for sure.  My DH has 3 kids but the youngest is 18 and so much could have changed since then or anything could have happened.   So I have already warned him that I am scheduling his S/A at my RE appt probably for the very next week.   

I think that is all for now but I am going to update once I go to see the RE and we find out what direction we are going to go in. 

New Years Resolution!!

Ok So it's a New Year.....Welcome 2011!!  And what is the first thing most of us do for the New Year beside get drunk and loud??  Of course....make our New Years Resolution!  What is a resolution??  Well its an impossible goal that we usually set for ourselves and end up breaking within the first couple months of the year, if not sooner.   This is the exact reason I don't usually set a New Years Resolution.  But this year I was thinking about it and decided having goals is a good thing.....shouldn't we all have goals or something to work towards in our lives?? 

So my New Years Resolutions for 2011 are:
1. To get pregnant.....this is my #1 goal this year
2. To be healthier
3. To get a permanent job...preferably a Teaching Job
4. Pay off some debt.....work towards buying a house (the house goal is a 2012-2013goal)
5. Take better care of myself
6. Just to be a better mom and wife

I think part of having goals is also having a plan to reach those goals.  So I have also come up with a plan to reach my goals. 
* The first one is the most important one for me this year.  We have been trying for going on 2.5yrs now and neither of us is getting any younger.  Not only do I feel like I am racing against my time clock (I am going to be 35 this year) but I feel like I am racing against my husbands time clock.  I guess that is what I get for falling in love with an older man.  He has been wonderful about the whole thing but even he has agreed that since we haven't gotten pregnant yet that it is time to get more aggressive.  So I plan on going back to the RE hopefully by Feb.  I hope to be able to continue on femara for a couple more months....I really feel that if I just continue to Ovulate that I will get preg soon but IF I am still not preg that way than I will probably want to move onto either adding a trigger shot or doing a combo cycle....femara w/injects.
* The second one is also very important but this is an everyday struggle for me and I have decided that I just want to try to make changes in my life and add in more exercise with the goal of being healthy hoping for the side effect of losing weight.  I did join a couple weight loss challenges to help keep me motivated and accountable.   I also have a terrible sweet tooth so I bought a bunch of fruit so my first baby step is to replace my sweet cravings with fruit.  So everytime I crave something sweet instead of eating candy or what have you I am going to grab some fruit....maybe an orange or pear or some grapes. 
* The third goal is getting a job.  I have been substitute teaching for 1.5 yrs now hoping to have some kind of in at a school.  I have had a chance to try out many different grades and schools and I know where I want to work.  However, I don't have control over the economy and the lack of jobs yes even teaching jobs are being hurt by this terrible economy so IF I can't get a teaching job for the new school year I will have to get a regular non teaching job so that I can have a steady and reliable income. Plus this is part of the paying off debt goal and buying a house....if I don't have a job and more income than I am not going to be able to accomplish these goals either.  I can't support my family and reach my financial goals continuing to sub. 
* My fourth goal is a financial goal.  I want to be able to buy a house sometime in the next year or two (2012 - 2013) So I have gathered my bills and have figured out what I need to pay and have come up with a plan to pay them off completely.  However this is also contingent on my getting more work and then getting a job.
* The fifth goal is to just take better care of myself.  To start thinking about my well being and take some time for myself.  This is always hard for us mothers to do but I think that it is important.  I want to set a good example for my daughter and I can't do that if I don't take care of myself. 
* The sixth and last goal is just to be a better mother and wife.  I am not saying that I am not a good mother or wife I just want to improve and strengthen my relationships with my family. I think that this for me is just trying to spend more time with my family.  Taking extra time to take my daughter outside and just playing with her. Giving my husband more attention and helping him more around the house and the many things that he normally takes care of.

So there you have it,....My News Years Resolutions and my plans for trying to stick with them this year.  Will I be able to follow through and stick with my goals this year???  Who knows, but I will try hard to keep them and will reflect next year on this. 

Lucky Cycle #5

Well, Here we are again cycle #5.  All I can say is that at least I have ovulated every month for the last 4 cycles and hopefully this cycle too.  Last cycle I had a "perfect" cycle.  I O'd cd14, I had excellent cm, I thought that we timed BD'ing really well, My LP which is normally 12days ended up being 14days......BUT still NO bfp.  I hate that you think everything is going so perfect and it ends so not perfect.  But I also found out that I had a vit D defiecieny as I wrote about last time and from my understanding that can affect your lining so even with out perfect cycle and our seemingly perfect timing, that could have been the reason for our bfn.  UGH....  So on to our 5th cycle.  Now when I say 5th cycle I mean the 5th cycle since our break....cuz really we have been ttc for going on 2.5yrs now ....at least as of Jan 2011 will be our 2.5yr mark.  Now cycle #5 I am doing femara again.  The only thing is that I am taking a lower dose this time.  I had a prescription for 7.5mgs of femara from earlier this year that I filled.  I decided to go with 5 mgs the first round to see how I responded and I responded beautifully.  I thought that my ob/gyn would be able to give me another RX for femara but there was a new PA that I had to see and she said that they no longer deal with the femara at all cuz it's off label use....WHAT!   So I have to go back to my RE to get more femara......but I can't afford the RE yet.....SO this cycle I only had 2.5mgs left of the femara so that is all I can use this month.  I am still hoping that I will still respond to it.  I did up my royal jelly this cycle to 2000mgs in hopes that will help my body respond just as well to the lower dose of femara.    

SO I am praying that my combo of femara, royal jelly, metformin, and Vit D is going to be my magic combo.  FX'd


I also found out on the day before AF showed that my BFF is preg.  She wasn't trying to get preg and has said on more than one occassion that she didn't want her own children.  She also knew that we had been trying for over 2yrs.  Needless to say I felt disappointed about it.  She said that she is happy and I want to be happy for her and supportive of her cuz I know that she is scared but I feel sad for myself.  I think that is the key is that the disappointment isn't that she is pregnant it is that I am NOT......I am disappointed that she announced her unplanned pregnancy and I am NOT announcing my very planned for pregnancy.  I feel disappointed that it is her that is pregnant and not me.  I feel bad that I feel this way but I can't help it I have been trying for over 2 yrs and she didn't try at all.  

Lucky Cycle #5.....here we go!!!!    FX'd  and saying my prayers.  :-)

Vitamin D and Fertility

Well last week on Monday I went in and had my annual exam.  It was a very weird  experience for me and I have decided not to continue going to this doctor and to try to find a new one.  Well anyways, they took blood to check routines things such as cholesterol...ect. 

 I got a call this last Monday (so a week later) and was told that I have a Vitamin D deficiency.....not just low but deficient and they wanted me to take a prescription strength Vit. D supplement.  Ok so no big deal.  I go to the pharmacy to get my prescription and it is for 50,000 units of vit D per week and according to the pharmacist they only prescibe this high of a dosage when your levels are critically low.....so now I have moved from just being deficient to critically low.  UGH. 

Well I know I have heard in the past about Vit D deficiencies but I have never really paid much attention to it as I just assumed my levels must be fine.....I mean after all I have spent thousands of dollars getting testing done at the RE's office which included vials upon vials of blood being drawn.  The 1st time they took blood they drew 7 vials of blood.  I mean you would think that they would have tested my vitamin levels afterall they wasted some of my blood and money to test my blood type which I already knew because I have a daughter and they have to know what blood type you are when you get preg and I also happen to be O- so I have to get special shots when I am preg becuause of this.  I told the RE what my blood type was but apparently my word was not good enough and she had to make sure of it anyways....   sorry about the slight off topic rant......back to the subject of Vit D

So in light of this new information....I had decided to find out more information about.  Well come to find out that having a Vit D deficiency can CAUSE fertility probs.  It upsets the balance of your hormones and can cause irregular cycles as well as problems with ovulation.  Along, with these issues it can cause lining issues so that your lining does not form properly to allow for implantation of a fertilized egg if you had even managed to ovulate at all.

I found a couple interesting articles about Vit D and Fertility and it seems that this could be my missing ingredient.  The symptoms fit me perfectly.  I have missing or delayed ovulation and irregular cycles. 

Vit D deficiencies can cause problems with ovulation in that it can be the reason for a lack of ovulation. The first article specifically mentions PCOS and that taking Vit D can improve the symptoms of PCOS including acne, excess hair and increased weight. The second article also mentions PCOS and also talks about other affects on fertility.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/women_shealth/3434420/Vitamin-D-can-aid-fertility.html


http://www.gettingpregnantnow.org/Articles/The_Fertility_Nutrient__Vitamin_D.html


http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art62381.asp
 
 
 
I have huge hopes that this is going to help me achieve the one thing that I want the most........Getting Pregnant.    I hope that I am not disappointed again.

Cycle #4

I am on the 4th cycle since coming off my bcp break and this cycle I took 5mgs of femara cd3-7.  This has been the best cycle ever!!!!!   My ovaries haven't ached the whole cycle....I believe that I actually felt O on CD 14......YES cd 14 I ovulated.  I got +OPK's cd13 and cd14 and FF gave me solid crosshairs on cd14 the day I believe I felt O.   I believe that it was O cuz like I said my ovaries haven't ached at all they have felt pretty inactive in comparison to other cycles and I was driving to the airport and all of a sudden I got this really big kind of sharp pain in my ovary area...it didn't last long only a couple mins and then it was gone and I haven't felt that again.  My DD was out of town over the weekend at her dad's house so DH and I had the place all to ourselves.....so needless to say we got plenty of BD'ing done.    So I have O'd earlier than I ever have, my ovaries seem to be pretty silent except for O, and our timing was perfect.  On top of that, my DH who pinched several nerves in his back in June, which has prevented him from completing his job when it's been time to perform due to pain.....had hardly any pain this weekend and there was even a couple days that we DTD more than once and he had no probs finishing!!!!!!!   Now all I need is a BFP and this will be a perfect cycle......oh god I hope I don't jinx myself.......but I am so excited about this cycle and the hope that it brings and I have really high hopes right now.   I pray that I am not disappointed.  I just know this is going to be the month!!! (hopefully) .....  ;-)  I plan on testing next tuesday Nov 30....which will be 10dpo and I just realized as I typed that date.....which was my Dad's B-day.....maybe this is a good sign.....sigh...tears.....  KMFX

Finally

Well this ttc journey is a hard one.  Is it any harder than the weightloss journey...not really..but it is more emotional.  I am on my 3rd cycle after my 5 month bcp break and this is historically the cycle that is longer and is where my cycles began to get all wacky again.  Well this 3rd cycle is no different than anyother 3rd cycle that I have had.  The 1st 2 cycles I O'd around cd20 well this cycle O is somewhere between cd29 and 31, so substantially later.    Now I have had a couple coincendental things happen this cycle so it makes me wonder.  First, I tried to take soy in hopes that it would up my O date but instead it was alot later.  Now was this the fault of the soy or is this the curse of the 3rd month.  haha.   Also, since I hadn't O'd by cd28 I had given up on this cycle and started prometrium to try to bring on AF so I could move onto a new cycle.  Well I then got a +OPK on cd29....again is this a coincedience or did taking the prometrium help bring on that elusive O???   I will never know.    So here I am now CD32 and have O'd sometime between cd29 to 31 and am officially in the 2ww.    I am praying that with all the weirdness of this cycle that this will be my cycle and I will finally after more than 2 years get that elusive bfp.  So here's to the 2ww and what it may bring. 

Why me??

This is a question that I have asked so many times and I know many others have asked this question as well.  But in truth ---  Why should it not be me??  Why am I so much better than anybody else who is effected by infertility or anything of a serious nature.  I think that many people think that things like infertility, serious illnesses, accidents, ect don't really happen to them or to people close to them, but in reality it can happen to anybody.  I am an average American girl, who desires a family, who wants a good job, good friends, and surrounded by love.  We all have our own struggles, but it is how we handle them that set us apart.  I sit here this week feeling sorry for myself about not having a permanant job, about not being able to get pregnant so easily, about struggling with my weight and wonder when or IF things will get better.  ( NO I don't suffer from depression but I think we all go through our moments of feeling down)  

As I have been sitting here feeling sorry for myself I was flipping through the channels of late night television and stopped on Joel Osteen.  He is talking about speaking faith into your life and using your words to uplift you.  He is talking about how when you speak words of defeat you are going to live a life of defeat.  Now this message isn't too much different than his other messages and I am big fan of Joel and listen to him quite frequently but for some reason that evening his words were ringing loud and clear in my ears.

Now I haven't talked about faith before but truth be known my faith is GREAT.  I am a fairly new believer as I was baptized about 3.5years ago and have been building a relationship with GOD since then.  Now I have always been a believer but I never knew the Lord or had a relationship with him nor did I know what that meant.  Where my faith is Great my Obidence hasn't always been as strong as it should be.  I have found myself in the last week reading more of my Bible and finding scripture to help me through these difficult times.  I know that God will bring me through this time just as he has brought me through so many other very difficult times.  My husband has constantly told me to be patient that things will happen in GOD's time and not mine.  This is hard for me to wrap my mind around......as a person we want to control things and it is hard to hand over the reigns to someone including GOD but as a child of God that is what I must do, hand GOD the reigns and believe that he will fulfill the desires of my heart and lead me in his direction. 

Now Joel was talking about things that are close to my heart such as weightloss and infertility and was giving examples of people who turned their attitude around and put their faith in GOD and started speaking faith into their lives and positive affirmations about themselves.  I decided right then that I am no longer going to speak negitivly about myself as I have so often done in the past.  This is a hard habit to break but I am determined to do it.  I also remember and give thanks everyday for the many wonderful blessings that I do have in my life.  I have a wonderful husband who loves ME so much and would do just about anything for me.  I have a beautiful daughter that loves ME so much.  I love where we live and the live that we have together.    I think that part of my feeling sorry for myself is that I do not love myself the way that I should.  When I look in the mirror I don't see the wonderful things that my husband and daughter see......I see this fat person who can't find a job or have a baby looking back at me.  This woman who is sad because she is not happy with the way she looks or the fact that she is struggling to conceive and struggling to find a job.   I think his is why Joel's message hit me so hard.  He reminded me that I was made in the image of the Lord and the Lord loves me just as I am as he is the one who created me. 

One of the things that I have started to do is to read scripture to remind me of the Lord's love for me and to remind myself that I should be happy with who I am.  One of the passages that I found was:     "You are fearfully and wonderfully made."  Psalm 139:14


I know that this is a much deeper subject than my other posts but it is something that I needed to put out there in the open if only for myself.  I think that when it is out there like this than it is harder to continue to lie to yourself.  I am usually a positive person but it has just seemed that so many things go wrong at one time and it is hard to stay positive.  But I believe that you must go through hard times to enjoy the good times and to be able to apprieciate GOD for the wonder that he is and for the blessings he gives you. 

My once again new outlook is to give it over to GOD and trust that he knows what he is doing....  :)

"Give your worries to the Lord, and he will take care of you."  Psalm 55:22

Dogs....mans best friend?????

Ok, so we got this dog in June.  First....I had wanted a dog for awhile but our jobs and life in general it was just never a good time to get one. So last year when I lost my job and didn't find another one I thought this would be a great time to get a dog.  So, last Oct. we found this wonderful little girl cocker spaniel.  She was so sweet and soooo good and we just feel in love with her.  Well shortly after we got her she started getting sick...thought it was allergies at first but it progressed.  We took her to the vet and the vet suspected distemper but wasn't sure and said that she definately had pnemonia (sp?)  so we treated her for that.  Well she never got better and actaully got so bad she couldn't even stand on her own....IT WAS TERRIBLE.  We took her to the humane society vet (this is were we got her from) and they told us that she definately had distemper and she was so far along that there was nothing that could be done for her and she had to be put down....this happened right before christmas.  We were extremely sad.  

Humane society said that would let us get another dog and of course not charge us for it.  So we looked and we looked and we weren't finding one and asked about a refund.  However, we decided we would hold off till summer and try one more time.  Well, that brings me to June!!

We went back becuz online it looked like there was several cocker spaniel dogs available there so we wanted to see them.  Since the little dog we lost was a cocker spaniel we felt that this was a good dog for us.  Well, we looked at the cocker spaniels....tried to anyways...the 2 we were interested in growled at us before we even got to take it out of the kennel to look at.  But we found this other dog, it was a smaller dog and was labeled spaniel so we took him out and he seemed really sweet.  We looked at a few other dogs but ended up getting this one dog we thought was sweet.  He is a brittney spaniel mix and one of those mixes seems to be rat terrier.  He was really good when we first brought him home and was very clingy to me.  But the newness wore off and he became comfortable with us and his devious side has slowly but surely come out. 

We first had to break him of barking.  Took about a week but he doesn't bark when we leave any more.  We tried to let him sleep on a blanket (dog bed) at night but he likes to chew things.....and when I say chew things I mean he likes to chew MY things, with the exception of a few things that he has gotten ahold of such as a whole box of condoms.  Now you might think....why in the heck do you have condoms....I thought you were ttc???  Well we are ttc, so we don't need them anymore, they are just left over from when we were preventing and they are over 2 years old so probably close to expiring anyways......It's just that....well try explaining exactly what this is that the dog chewed up and is now littered all over the bedroom floor to a 6 almost 7 year old who is curious about everything herself.  NOT fun.    He's chewed up a toothbrush, shoe laces, and more.   Oh and the couple of boxes that I had stored under the bed  he decided must belong to him cuz they were under the bed and appartently that is HIS space so he shredded....yes shredded the boxes.  Hard to vacuum under a bed that you can't move without taking the mattresses off the bed. 

I think that this dog is out to get me.  He is now clingy to my husband, but probably because I am the one who spanks the dog cuz it is always my stuff he chews.  But the actually tried to kill me....he tripped me going down the outside cement stairs and I feel down a half of flight of stairs bruising my whole right side of my body and slightly twisting my left foot.  

Not to mention when we go for a walk he is a maniac.....he runs as fast as he can until the end of the leash snatches him back and then he does it again.   He PEES on eveerything!!!  This is why I hate boy dogs.  He also goes crazy when he sees other dogs.  He is 17lbs and thinks that he is 100lbs and can take on any dog out there.  Little dog syndrone I guess.  My husband doesn't understand how a dog with no nuts thinks his balls are bigger than the pits that our cop neighbor raises and trains.  LOL

Now this sweet little dog is jumping up onto the table and eating my daughters food that she has left on the table cuz she went to the bathroom or what have you.  UGH just another bad habit to have to break. 

Oh......did I tell you he is just a puppy about a year old now....so we got him at about 9 months. 

He can be sweet and loves to be loved on but oh my gosh why does he have to be such a pain in the ass??

So.....dogs...mans best friend...I think not!!!   but I think that we will keep him around anyways. 

Sorry about the off topic rant....but i had to get that off my chest.  :)

OFF track....trying to get back on!!!

Well, I guess it's been a while since I wrote.  There has been so many things that have been going on in the last couple months.  First we moved from one apartment to another larger apartment.....it was one of the most traumatic moves ever.  Friends tried to help us but almost killed us...lol.   Anyways....we got it done.  Then we had to move all my teaching supplies that were in storage to our new apartment because I still do not have a teaching job but at least I am saving money on storing my things.  Kaley came home from her dad's house 2days before school started and I had to get her school supplies and school clothes on tax free weekend....YUCK!!!!  

The biggest change is that I am no longer on my ttc break and we are back ttc again.  The break was 5 months long and this is now the 2nd month trying again.  I am in the middle of the 2nd almost "normal" cycle where I have ovulated both months.....YEAH!!!!   I hope that this is the month that it finally happens for us and our long 2 year ttc journey will come to an end.....here's to hopeful wishing.  I am also hoping that we can get pregnant before deciding we have to go back to the doc's to get extra help and I think that as long as I am ovulating that I am going at this au naturale, so we will see what happens. 

I only lost a total of 24lbs....am I happy with that???  Absolutely!!  do I think I should have done better and lost more???  of course, but I am thankful that I lost anything.   I know that if I would have been better about sticking to my plan in the first place than I probably would have lost more.....but that is just life and I am ok with it. 

Time to get back on track and start a new plan:   My new plan is to watch what I eat and start walking again.  It is finally starting to cool back down...not much but a little bit and hopefully enough that it will be bearable to walk again.  I think that this is the best plan I can have because IF we get pregnant I will be able to stick to it as both things are alright during pregnancy. 

Life at the Beach

Well today has been an interesting day.  My husband who has hurt his shoulder had two doctors appointments today.  One in the morning and one later in the afternoon.  Well the first one was close to home and we ended up with 3 hours between appointments.  Well you may think no big deal go home take a nap, do a few things, talk a walk on the beach, but no we had no stairs!!   We live in an apartment and on the second floor and we had NO stairs!!!!!!   That is our apartment upstairs on the left. 

NO STAIRS!!

So we killed some time by going to lunch and then hanging out at one of our friends house for awhile.  Well we left the house at 9am and by the time we got home they weren't even close to being finished.  In fact, the picture above was from 430p.  Well we had no where to go and just wanted to be able to go upstairs so we could one be in the A/C and two watch TV.  Well the workers didn't really speak English, our office staff had decided to leave for the day(which is totally typical of them), and our maintence(who would have a ladder) was no where to be found.   So my wonderful and hurt husband decided to climb up the back balcony, which was no easy feat and go through the sliding door (cuz we never lock it) and get the card to call the emergancy number for the office.  I thought that he was going to kill himself or at least add another injury to the 2 that he has already.  However, he got up there and after some words between us he found the card that I left on the living room table instead of putting back on the fridge.  I called the number and of course no answer.  Luckily I saw the maintence man and was able to communicate with him that we had no stairs and would like a ladder.  He went to check on it and 15 mins later came back with a ladder.  My little one went up first with her no fear self and I followed closely behind holding both her drinks with my purse wrapped around my neck.  UGH!  Well at least we were home.  Well, the next problem comes to the dog!!!!  He hasn't been walked since this morning and there is no way I can get him down that ladder to walk him so my option??   to put him out on the balcony and try to convince him he won't get a spanking for doing his business out there......not an easy feat, he didn't like this option.  Well it's 11pm at night and they are still working!!! and they are at the top now putting on the railing and it is supper loud of course it's Kaley's bedtime and there is no way she is going to fall asleep!

Tomorrow we have no plans to be in the car as it is extremely painful for my husband with his injuries, so we hope to go to the beach.  Oh yeah, our beach right now has 3 feet of sea grass....how delightful...life at the beach..gotta love it!!!!!

Goal # 2

Well, I am on my way to completing goal #2.  It has been taking longer than I had hoped to lose weight but I am losing at a rate of 1-2lbs per week.  Nothing to really complain about.  But now in this Biggest Loser Era I want to lose weight faster!!!!  However, do I really want to commit to working out 6 hours a day to lose the amount of weight that they do.....NO of course not.  I want to be able to exercise my 60-90 mins when I do exercise and count my calories and for it to be enough, but in reality it is not.  If I want bigger results I have to put in the extra effort.  I was going to start doing that this week but something was always happening to distract me from exercising.  The truth is that since I got home from Disney World I haven't actually been out even walking.  It's only been 10days but enough is enough time to get back out there.  Luckily I have still been losing weight.  I am now down officially 24lbs total but since I have begun this journey this time in March 2010 I have lost 19lbs.  That is in 12 weeks.  I hoped to have been down closer to 30lbs in that amount of time but I am happy with the lose.  Oh well. 

So I was watching Jillian Michael's latest show where she moves into someone's home for a week.....mostly out of complete boredom as there was nothing else on......but the one that I caught this lady lost 32lbs in 6 weeks.  That is a little over 5lbs a week.  Now she was a single working mom so you know that she wasn't working out 6 hours a day.  It showed that she worked out in the morning, maybe every morning and then ran after work with her co-workers 3 days a week.  The problem with these types of shows is that it doesn't show everything that they really do or what types of foods that they eat.  I know. I know.  low fat, low carb, calorie restricted type diets with whole grains.....blah blah blah.   WHY is it that all the people on these types of shows just happen to like any kind of vegtable that they are given....YUCK is what I say to that.  Now I know that they are good for you and I should be eating more and I do like some veggies but just some.  Why can't they put people on these shows that are like that and show how they can accomplish weightloss or can overcome there aversion to veggies.   I don't know what to do about that problem.  The other thing that I struggle with is no matter how much I watch my calories and no matter how good I am doing I still have a craving for sweets.....especially ice cream.  Now my craving isn't as bad as it used to be but I still like to have sweets and like I said especially ice cream.  On these shows it always seems that they never have this struggle with sweets either and they just have this epithany about not eating them and how they are bad for them.  Anyways, that enough of my little rant for now. 

In the end I am still doing good as I am still losing weight, which has been my goal.  I never put a time limit on reaching my goal so I have to just celebrate what I have done so far.  I would really like to lose that same 30lbs that lady I saw did in the next 6 weeks.  I don't know if it is really possible but I am going to give it a good shot.  My plan is to workout in the morning at the little office gym.  Take my little one swimming for a little while in the afternoon and then walk in the evening with the dog after my husband gets home.  We will see if I actually do all this, but it is the plan.  Oh and by the way the little leaves for the rest of the summer in a couple weeks so I probably won't even go to the pool after she does.   Also, I have a birthday coming up in about 3 weeks. 

3 down, 2 to go

Well after this week I will have finished my 3rd month on the Pill and have only 2 months left.  I am so excited about this and have told my poor husband several times.  Don't want to put any pressure on him but I can't help being excited.....LOL.  I am down 20lbs, which I know that I could have a done better but I am still excited about it.  I have walked a lot and watched my calories for the most part.  My plan for the summer now that school is almost out is to step up the work outs.  I plan on working out in the apartment gym during the day, taking my little one swimming often, and then walking in the evening after my husband gets home.  I would really like to lose another 30lbs before I go off the Pill.  It may be an unrealistic goal but I really think that if I try really hard that it can be done.    Besides that, my little experience with trying on stupid clothes has motivated me even more than ever.  

Derailed???

Well it's that terrible time of year again where you transition from pants to shorter pants.   For me, I don't like shorts, I would rather wear capris or something like that.  I don't like showing my legs becuase I feel like it's my worst feature.  So even though I have lost a total of 20lbs, 15 of which since I begun this particular journey....I still do not fit into ANYTHING it seems.  

Why is it that trying on clothes can derail your success faster than anything else????  I hate clothes shopping!!!!!   I hate looking at myself in the mirror especially when I realize that the size I just tried on is still a little tight.  I hate that somethings like kahkis NEVER look good on me....they just make my butt and thighs look even bigger.  I hate walking through the mall and seeing all the wonderful clothing stores there that I can't shop at.  They might as well have a huge neon sign that says this way to the FAT WOMAN"S store.  And even that store doesn't seem to have the size I need....cause they are ALL out.   Now I wonder if that is becuz the majority of fat women are a size 18/20 or they just don't carry that many of this size.  Now they did have an over abdundance of size 14.    IF or WHEN I am a size 14 I will NOT be shopping in the FAT woman's store I will be going to all those other wonderful stores such as the GAP as I would be able to fit into those clothes.  

Now Lane Bryant has revamped some of their sizes in some of their clothes lines so that it is sizes 1-8 or something like that.  I think they did that to help make us fat women feel better about ourselves, but in acutallity all it does is mess with my mind and then when I go to buy something in regular size 18-24's I am not really 100% sure what size I actually wear.  I have gone down from a size 6 to their size 5 and so when I thought I would try on capris I naturally grabbed a size 18 which was very WRONG.  I barely buttoned and zipped the size 20 but I refused to have to go into a size 22.   Then when I went to JCP's I grabbed a 20 and well I got it up over my butt but there was absolutely positively no flipping way that zipper was going up!!!!!!  EEEEKKKK!!!!!   WTH?????  So, therefore not only is their new sizes screwed up but their regular sizes are somewhat more generous than they probably should. 

I have come to the realization and understanding of why I like LOVE buying shoes!!!!    I can always find the right size and a pair that not only fit but look cute on my feet.  I always feel that there is plenty of choices and I can go to any shoe store and find shoes that fit my feet.....I do not have to shop at a FAT woman's shoe shop. 

I walked out of both stores empty handed feeling like SH** and completely disappointed in myself.   Longing even more for a time when I can just go to a regular store and buy clothes and no longer see the fat unhappy self that I am.  Guess what the was the first thing that I did after I left those shops???   I got myself a Rootbeer and a pretzel.  Boy were they good, but now I have to get back on the track and not allow this depressing experience DERAIL the progress that I have made.

I have to be proud of myself for the accomplishments that I have made and the 1st goal that I have reached.   I have to remember that this is a long journey and that I have to celebrate all the small steps along the way.  So HURRAY I have lost 15lbs since I have started this journey!!!   I now weigh 2lbs less than I did when I began teaching.