Cycle #4

I am on the 4th cycle since coming off my bcp break and this cycle I took 5mgs of femara cd3-7.  This has been the best cycle ever!!!!!   My ovaries haven't ached the whole cycle....I believe that I actually felt O on CD 14......YES cd 14 I ovulated.  I got +OPK's cd13 and cd14 and FF gave me solid crosshairs on cd14 the day I believe I felt O.   I believe that it was O cuz like I said my ovaries haven't ached at all they have felt pretty inactive in comparison to other cycles and I was driving to the airport and all of a sudden I got this really big kind of sharp pain in my ovary area...it didn't last long only a couple mins and then it was gone and I haven't felt that again.  My DD was out of town over the weekend at her dad's house so DH and I had the place all to ourselves.....so needless to say we got plenty of BD'ing done.    So I have O'd earlier than I ever have, my ovaries seem to be pretty silent except for O, and our timing was perfect.  On top of that, my DH who pinched several nerves in his back in June, which has prevented him from completing his job when it's been time to perform due to pain.....had hardly any pain this weekend and there was even a couple days that we DTD more than once and he had no probs finishing!!!!!!!   Now all I need is a BFP and this will be a perfect cycle......oh god I hope I don't jinx myself.......but I am so excited about this cycle and the hope that it brings and I have really high hopes right now.   I pray that I am not disappointed.  I just know this is going to be the month!!! (hopefully) .....  ;-)  I plan on testing next tuesday Nov 30....which will be 10dpo and I just realized as I typed that date.....which was my Dad's B-day.....maybe this is a good sign.....sigh...tears.....  KMFX

Finally

Well this ttc journey is a hard one.  Is it any harder than the weightloss journey...not really..but it is more emotional.  I am on my 3rd cycle after my 5 month bcp break and this is historically the cycle that is longer and is where my cycles began to get all wacky again.  Well this 3rd cycle is no different than anyother 3rd cycle that I have had.  The 1st 2 cycles I O'd around cd20 well this cycle O is somewhere between cd29 and 31, so substantially later.    Now I have had a couple coincendental things happen this cycle so it makes me wonder.  First, I tried to take soy in hopes that it would up my O date but instead it was alot later.  Now was this the fault of the soy or is this the curse of the 3rd month.  haha.   Also, since I hadn't O'd by cd28 I had given up on this cycle and started prometrium to try to bring on AF so I could move onto a new cycle.  Well I then got a +OPK on cd29....again is this a coincedience or did taking the prometrium help bring on that elusive O???   I will never know.    So here I am now CD32 and have O'd sometime between cd29 to 31 and am officially in the 2ww.    I am praying that with all the weirdness of this cycle that this will be my cycle and I will finally after more than 2 years get that elusive bfp.  So here's to the 2ww and what it may bring. 

Why me??

This is a question that I have asked so many times and I know many others have asked this question as well.  But in truth ---  Why should it not be me??  Why am I so much better than anybody else who is effected by infertility or anything of a serious nature.  I think that many people think that things like infertility, serious illnesses, accidents, ect don't really happen to them or to people close to them, but in reality it can happen to anybody.  I am an average American girl, who desires a family, who wants a good job, good friends, and surrounded by love.  We all have our own struggles, but it is how we handle them that set us apart.  I sit here this week feeling sorry for myself about not having a permanant job, about not being able to get pregnant so easily, about struggling with my weight and wonder when or IF things will get better.  ( NO I don't suffer from depression but I think we all go through our moments of feeling down)  

As I have been sitting here feeling sorry for myself I was flipping through the channels of late night television and stopped on Joel Osteen.  He is talking about speaking faith into your life and using your words to uplift you.  He is talking about how when you speak words of defeat you are going to live a life of defeat.  Now this message isn't too much different than his other messages and I am big fan of Joel and listen to him quite frequently but for some reason that evening his words were ringing loud and clear in my ears.

Now I haven't talked about faith before but truth be known my faith is GREAT.  I am a fairly new believer as I was baptized about 3.5years ago and have been building a relationship with GOD since then.  Now I have always been a believer but I never knew the Lord or had a relationship with him nor did I know what that meant.  Where my faith is Great my Obidence hasn't always been as strong as it should be.  I have found myself in the last week reading more of my Bible and finding scripture to help me through these difficult times.  I know that God will bring me through this time just as he has brought me through so many other very difficult times.  My husband has constantly told me to be patient that things will happen in GOD's time and not mine.  This is hard for me to wrap my mind around......as a person we want to control things and it is hard to hand over the reigns to someone including GOD but as a child of God that is what I must do, hand GOD the reigns and believe that he will fulfill the desires of my heart and lead me in his direction. 

Now Joel was talking about things that are close to my heart such as weightloss and infertility and was giving examples of people who turned their attitude around and put their faith in GOD and started speaking faith into their lives and positive affirmations about themselves.  I decided right then that I am no longer going to speak negitivly about myself as I have so often done in the past.  This is a hard habit to break but I am determined to do it.  I also remember and give thanks everyday for the many wonderful blessings that I do have in my life.  I have a wonderful husband who loves ME so much and would do just about anything for me.  I have a beautiful daughter that loves ME so much.  I love where we live and the live that we have together.    I think that part of my feeling sorry for myself is that I do not love myself the way that I should.  When I look in the mirror I don't see the wonderful things that my husband and daughter see......I see this fat person who can't find a job or have a baby looking back at me.  This woman who is sad because she is not happy with the way she looks or the fact that she is struggling to conceive and struggling to find a job.   I think his is why Joel's message hit me so hard.  He reminded me that I was made in the image of the Lord and the Lord loves me just as I am as he is the one who created me. 

One of the things that I have started to do is to read scripture to remind me of the Lord's love for me and to remind myself that I should be happy with who I am.  One of the passages that I found was:     "You are fearfully and wonderfully made."  Psalm 139:14


I know that this is a much deeper subject than my other posts but it is something that I needed to put out there in the open if only for myself.  I think that when it is out there like this than it is harder to continue to lie to yourself.  I am usually a positive person but it has just seemed that so many things go wrong at one time and it is hard to stay positive.  But I believe that you must go through hard times to enjoy the good times and to be able to apprieciate GOD for the wonder that he is and for the blessings he gives you. 

My once again new outlook is to give it over to GOD and trust that he knows what he is doing....  :)

"Give your worries to the Lord, and he will take care of you."  Psalm 55:22

Dogs....mans best friend?????

Ok, so we got this dog in June.  First....I had wanted a dog for awhile but our jobs and life in general it was just never a good time to get one. So last year when I lost my job and didn't find another one I thought this would be a great time to get a dog.  So, last Oct. we found this wonderful little girl cocker spaniel.  She was so sweet and soooo good and we just feel in love with her.  Well shortly after we got her she started getting sick...thought it was allergies at first but it progressed.  We took her to the vet and the vet suspected distemper but wasn't sure and said that she definately had pnemonia (sp?)  so we treated her for that.  Well she never got better and actaully got so bad she couldn't even stand on her own....IT WAS TERRIBLE.  We took her to the humane society vet (this is were we got her from) and they told us that she definately had distemper and she was so far along that there was nothing that could be done for her and she had to be put down....this happened right before christmas.  We were extremely sad.  

Humane society said that would let us get another dog and of course not charge us for it.  So we looked and we looked and we weren't finding one and asked about a refund.  However, we decided we would hold off till summer and try one more time.  Well, that brings me to June!!

We went back becuz online it looked like there was several cocker spaniel dogs available there so we wanted to see them.  Since the little dog we lost was a cocker spaniel we felt that this was a good dog for us.  Well, we looked at the cocker spaniels....tried to anyways...the 2 we were interested in growled at us before we even got to take it out of the kennel to look at.  But we found this other dog, it was a smaller dog and was labeled spaniel so we took him out and he seemed really sweet.  We looked at a few other dogs but ended up getting this one dog we thought was sweet.  He is a brittney spaniel mix and one of those mixes seems to be rat terrier.  He was really good when we first brought him home and was very clingy to me.  But the newness wore off and he became comfortable with us and his devious side has slowly but surely come out. 

We first had to break him of barking.  Took about a week but he doesn't bark when we leave any more.  We tried to let him sleep on a blanket (dog bed) at night but he likes to chew things.....and when I say chew things I mean he likes to chew MY things, with the exception of a few things that he has gotten ahold of such as a whole box of condoms.  Now you might think....why in the heck do you have condoms....I thought you were ttc???  Well we are ttc, so we don't need them anymore, they are just left over from when we were preventing and they are over 2 years old so probably close to expiring anyways......It's just that....well try explaining exactly what this is that the dog chewed up and is now littered all over the bedroom floor to a 6 almost 7 year old who is curious about everything herself.  NOT fun.    He's chewed up a toothbrush, shoe laces, and more.   Oh and the couple of boxes that I had stored under the bed  he decided must belong to him cuz they were under the bed and appartently that is HIS space so he shredded....yes shredded the boxes.  Hard to vacuum under a bed that you can't move without taking the mattresses off the bed. 

I think that this dog is out to get me.  He is now clingy to my husband, but probably because I am the one who spanks the dog cuz it is always my stuff he chews.  But the actually tried to kill me....he tripped me going down the outside cement stairs and I feel down a half of flight of stairs bruising my whole right side of my body and slightly twisting my left foot.  

Not to mention when we go for a walk he is a maniac.....he runs as fast as he can until the end of the leash snatches him back and then he does it again.   He PEES on eveerything!!!  This is why I hate boy dogs.  He also goes crazy when he sees other dogs.  He is 17lbs and thinks that he is 100lbs and can take on any dog out there.  Little dog syndrone I guess.  My husband doesn't understand how a dog with no nuts thinks his balls are bigger than the pits that our cop neighbor raises and trains.  LOL

Now this sweet little dog is jumping up onto the table and eating my daughters food that she has left on the table cuz she went to the bathroom or what have you.  UGH just another bad habit to have to break. 

Oh......did I tell you he is just a puppy about a year old now....so we got him at about 9 months. 

He can be sweet and loves to be loved on but oh my gosh why does he have to be such a pain in the ass??

So.....dogs...mans best friend...I think not!!!   but I think that we will keep him around anyways. 

Sorry about the off topic rant....but i had to get that off my chest.  :)

OFF track....trying to get back on!!!

Well, I guess it's been a while since I wrote.  There has been so many things that have been going on in the last couple months.  First we moved from one apartment to another larger apartment.....it was one of the most traumatic moves ever.  Friends tried to help us but almost killed us...lol.   Anyways....we got it done.  Then we had to move all my teaching supplies that were in storage to our new apartment because I still do not have a teaching job but at least I am saving money on storing my things.  Kaley came home from her dad's house 2days before school started and I had to get her school supplies and school clothes on tax free weekend....YUCK!!!!  

The biggest change is that I am no longer on my ttc break and we are back ttc again.  The break was 5 months long and this is now the 2nd month trying again.  I am in the middle of the 2nd almost "normal" cycle where I have ovulated both months.....YEAH!!!!   I hope that this is the month that it finally happens for us and our long 2 year ttc journey will come to an end.....here's to hopeful wishing.  I am also hoping that we can get pregnant before deciding we have to go back to the doc's to get extra help and I think that as long as I am ovulating that I am going at this au naturale, so we will see what happens. 

I only lost a total of 24lbs....am I happy with that???  Absolutely!!  do I think I should have done better and lost more???  of course, but I am thankful that I lost anything.   I know that if I would have been better about sticking to my plan in the first place than I probably would have lost more.....but that is just life and I am ok with it. 

Time to get back on track and start a new plan:   My new plan is to watch what I eat and start walking again.  It is finally starting to cool back down...not much but a little bit and hopefully enough that it will be bearable to walk again.  I think that this is the best plan I can have because IF we get pregnant I will be able to stick to it as both things are alright during pregnancy. 

Life at the Beach

Well today has been an interesting day.  My husband who has hurt his shoulder had two doctors appointments today.  One in the morning and one later in the afternoon.  Well the first one was close to home and we ended up with 3 hours between appointments.  Well you may think no big deal go home take a nap, do a few things, talk a walk on the beach, but no we had no stairs!!   We live in an apartment and on the second floor and we had NO stairs!!!!!!   That is our apartment upstairs on the left. 

NO STAIRS!!

So we killed some time by going to lunch and then hanging out at one of our friends house for awhile.  Well we left the house at 9am and by the time we got home they weren't even close to being finished.  In fact, the picture above was from 430p.  Well we had no where to go and just wanted to be able to go upstairs so we could one be in the A/C and two watch TV.  Well the workers didn't really speak English, our office staff had decided to leave for the day(which is totally typical of them), and our maintence(who would have a ladder) was no where to be found.   So my wonderful and hurt husband decided to climb up the back balcony, which was no easy feat and go through the sliding door (cuz we never lock it) and get the card to call the emergancy number for the office.  I thought that he was going to kill himself or at least add another injury to the 2 that he has already.  However, he got up there and after some words between us he found the card that I left on the living room table instead of putting back on the fridge.  I called the number and of course no answer.  Luckily I saw the maintence man and was able to communicate with him that we had no stairs and would like a ladder.  He went to check on it and 15 mins later came back with a ladder.  My little one went up first with her no fear self and I followed closely behind holding both her drinks with my purse wrapped around my neck.  UGH!  Well at least we were home.  Well, the next problem comes to the dog!!!!  He hasn't been walked since this morning and there is no way I can get him down that ladder to walk him so my option??   to put him out on the balcony and try to convince him he won't get a spanking for doing his business out there......not an easy feat, he didn't like this option.  Well it's 11pm at night and they are still working!!! and they are at the top now putting on the railing and it is supper loud of course it's Kaley's bedtime and there is no way she is going to fall asleep!

Tomorrow we have no plans to be in the car as it is extremely painful for my husband with his injuries, so we hope to go to the beach.  Oh yeah, our beach right now has 3 feet of sea grass....how delightful...life at the beach..gotta love it!!!!!

Goal # 2

Well, I am on my way to completing goal #2.  It has been taking longer than I had hoped to lose weight but I am losing at a rate of 1-2lbs per week.  Nothing to really complain about.  But now in this Biggest Loser Era I want to lose weight faster!!!!  However, do I really want to commit to working out 6 hours a day to lose the amount of weight that they do.....NO of course not.  I want to be able to exercise my 60-90 mins when I do exercise and count my calories and for it to be enough, but in reality it is not.  If I want bigger results I have to put in the extra effort.  I was going to start doing that this week but something was always happening to distract me from exercising.  The truth is that since I got home from Disney World I haven't actually been out even walking.  It's only been 10days but enough is enough time to get back out there.  Luckily I have still been losing weight.  I am now down officially 24lbs total but since I have begun this journey this time in March 2010 I have lost 19lbs.  That is in 12 weeks.  I hoped to have been down closer to 30lbs in that amount of time but I am happy with the lose.  Oh well. 

So I was watching Jillian Michael's latest show where she moves into someone's home for a week.....mostly out of complete boredom as there was nothing else on......but the one that I caught this lady lost 32lbs in 6 weeks.  That is a little over 5lbs a week.  Now she was a single working mom so you know that she wasn't working out 6 hours a day.  It showed that she worked out in the morning, maybe every morning and then ran after work with her co-workers 3 days a week.  The problem with these types of shows is that it doesn't show everything that they really do or what types of foods that they eat.  I know. I know.  low fat, low carb, calorie restricted type diets with whole grains.....blah blah blah.   WHY is it that all the people on these types of shows just happen to like any kind of vegtable that they are given....YUCK is what I say to that.  Now I know that they are good for you and I should be eating more and I do like some veggies but just some.  Why can't they put people on these shows that are like that and show how they can accomplish weightloss or can overcome there aversion to veggies.   I don't know what to do about that problem.  The other thing that I struggle with is no matter how much I watch my calories and no matter how good I am doing I still have a craving for sweets.....especially ice cream.  Now my craving isn't as bad as it used to be but I still like to have sweets and like I said especially ice cream.  On these shows it always seems that they never have this struggle with sweets either and they just have this epithany about not eating them and how they are bad for them.  Anyways, that enough of my little rant for now. 

In the end I am still doing good as I am still losing weight, which has been my goal.  I never put a time limit on reaching my goal so I have to just celebrate what I have done so far.  I would really like to lose that same 30lbs that lady I saw did in the next 6 weeks.  I don't know if it is really possible but I am going to give it a good shot.  My plan is to workout in the morning at the little office gym.  Take my little one swimming for a little while in the afternoon and then walk in the evening with the dog after my husband gets home.  We will see if I actually do all this, but it is the plan.  Oh and by the way the little leaves for the rest of the summer in a couple weeks so I probably won't even go to the pool after she does.   Also, I have a birthday coming up in about 3 weeks.